So i decided to go to graduate school after college well apply for it,

I need to get more professional in the mean time

So i brought a wacom bamboo create drawing pad.

And

A Referbie Macbook pro

I have never made this big of a purchase in my life

I am nervous

I have been so confused trying to find out who i am, as everyone my age does. Trying to find my place in the world like it is going to stay the same, trying to find some sort of routine and normalcy,

Thats all i used to want, a routine, a routine that would forever stay the same a place to where i would feel comfortable

 a niche 

 something that would feel the same i would never have to feel out of place i would never have to find my self again. But what i learned today after some deep thinking is that things for me will never be in a routine and thats ok because its not meant to be. It is not mean to be the same thing because who i am is forever changing for if i stay the same then i am done learning i am done growing which as long as i am alive is never going to happen, i m not close minded i learn from everything and everyone every moment and my dreams and aspirations make me who i am which differentiates me from others i implement my dreams and they are the only thing keeping me going and that doesnt fit into a routine. who i am is who i want to be its an admirable quality 

So i am interning in the office and this lady walks in like she owns the place and i automatically dont like her. But i dont really know who she is of why is she here so early, but whatever. She talking to me like im 5, whateva bitch.

I was working on something that my supervisor and her couldn’t do and i figured out a way to do it,

Bur when my superivor tried to praise me

the bitch made it seem like what i was doin was easy and giving me tips how not to mess it up

Listen bitch, nobody asked you

And obviously you couldnt do it

So STFU

bitch

i aint even like ya nasty ass

ok i am done

Today i was real emotional when i went to go see the 2d/3d animation exhibit at my school. I remember how excited my dad used to get when he would show me 90’s videos games and computer games. technology excited him greatly. I remember how we used to watch special effect special features on movies and how inspired i was and how that what i wanted to do. i miss him so much and i forget how much i am just like him. I love computers i thrive for technology. i just wish he was here to see how much technology has evolved. he would of loved it and we could of talked for hours on it but now i have no one to share this excitement with who is truly excited.

But imma get off this topic before i stay crying

I mention this because it made me remember my inspiration. yes i love graphic design and all the promotional design that i can be doing but i stopped and thought of the real reason i like it. I  LOVE TECHNOLOGY and i shouldnt just box myself in

i want to learn EVERYTHING just like i know i want to just like my dad would want me too.

I was lost

College made me forget, i am not in it for the A’s

Im in it for the knowledge

I will improve

I am going to buy a mac when i get my big refund check and i am going to improve

No distractions, not anymore i cant afford to be stopped now

Nothing is gonna stop me, my ultimate goal is knowledge.

Dad i felt you today

I felt you close

Thank you for helping me remember. why i do what i do

why i am where i am and where i have to go

Visit me again sometime

I dont wanna keep slippin off

Love

Amber <3 

How much do i care?

I care a lot its my body

Do i regret any of it?

No not really

What am  i gonna change?

Get back on track

Why?

Because i fell off and imma get back on

Ok so i was in this store and this bitch i know that works there walks up to me

I knew her from high school and she lost a bunch of weight and was depressed when she was fat and whatever

She came up to me, THIS BITCH CAME UP TO ME, and she was like Amber i seen ur trying to lose weight and i see it in your face, You are becoming thinner and happier. 

Now i know she meant well

BUT

Being thinner and loosing weight is NOT a key to happiness. 

Im happy now

I was happy Back then

And i will be happy later

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY WEIGHT

And i feel bad for people that think this way

And i am here to tell you,

Be Happy Now with Yourself

You are all you have 

and Now is all you got

Yes you can still be losing weight but dont let it get you down

Because yes you might have goals to lose wight in a few months

BUT those months are guaranteed 

Be happy 

BAD: Over Eatting

So with being home i have been eating more which isnt really a good thing,Yesterday i didnt even log my calories in, I tried in earlier in the day then at night i was eating chips naked singing and dancing around my house. Today is only day 2 but i only ate like 200 cals over and im bout to go play wii so its gonna be burned off

BAD Crack

I tripped and cracked my ipod screen. Is fuckin expensive as hell to fix! So i just brought a mirror screen protector so u can really see the cracks. well u can but its shiny and i see my face in it and forget about the cracks lol Concided

GOOD Shoppin 

I went to the mall yesterday i got a CUTE black spiked lil bag and 2 cloth hats ( a pink and mustard one) I also got a black school girl shirt some 4lb weights and a new yoga mat,

AND OHH SHITT

I got a new work out neon yellow outfit so cute <3 

ECO STYLER OLIVE OIL 

I FINALLY found some olive oil eco styler gel they never have shit left but i got its from a nigga Nigga store. (black beauty supply store) for 2.99 yess my community serves

OH and i got free ice cream (  bad and good) <— the reason im 200 cals over  whatevs 

I VOW NOT TO GO OVER CALORIES UNTIL THANKSGIVING

Oh and i have a dr. appt on monday i cant wait for them to see how much weight i lost woo (20lbs since i last been there)

I woke up from a late evening nap and realized that i have not spoken to a live person today. I spoke on the phone, briefly. But a soul today has not herd or listened to anything i had to say, or have i.

i have read the words of other for history, today

I played with Lorem Ipsum today

I watched people speak today

Not even an excuse me came out of my mouth or anyone else.

I thought of what time of year it was, so close to my birthday

A almost 20 year old girl , half way done with college. What am i supposed to be doing, what have i always dreamed of doing:being surrounded by so many people, cheering my name, wanting me to be near them. Wanting me to be with them.

 Wanting me.

But im older now, its time for me to comprehend that , that is NEVER going to happen and if it does, from a mile away you can smell how non-genuine it is.                                                       

And before you think of me as ungreatful, i am not but i wish i was. I wish i was so i can match everyone else but i am not.I appreciate all the effort put in from everyone in my life. I dont want pity but effort is well apprciated in dosage.But where was i going with this.

Oh yea

I did not speak to a single soul today. And especially during this time you would expect me to be surrounded by people, one two three and thousand. You would expect me to be happy? happy is not even something that is in my Vocabulary anymore.

Happy means that i will put aside everything i am and everything i am supposed to do because that is either not good enough or less important. Happiness is something that you get from someone else. Or the idea that YOU are that someone else. But nevertheless someone in the end it losing.

I dont wanna lose

I dont wanna win

I dont wanna play

Its crazy how these past few days how behind i am. not only in academics but in self expression and in things that define who i am. i forgot how attached i am to this empty feeling.

Speaking of empty i barley ate today, i found myself forcing myself to eat but soon i will rekindle my love with a nice cup of tea and maybe my nook or a book or maybe i will write or draw.

Something to get these words out, drown them in steam and set them free from my mind.

Let them go

This empty feeling not only gives me a sense of living but it reminds me that nothing is free. It reminds me how much happiness sucks because thats so dependent, and dependent people cant stand up without someone else and then they fall. There are a few people i am depended on,

none of them are here

And i am glad they arent. I like the feeling supporting my own weight, I like the  tears i like the feeling of lonlniess that echos in the empty pit of my existance.

I like it, I like it alot and until you felt like i do and believe me one day you will

It is true nirvana

Your at peace

YOUR

You R 

You are all you have